hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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