Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
