who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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