I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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