Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
