Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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