he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
