I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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