Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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