she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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