My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
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She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
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He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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