Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
