Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
