I'm so fucking centered right now
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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