You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
