We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize