hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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