I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think my vagina is haunted
Come see our sink grown plant.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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