this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
