quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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