This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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