..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
