wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
