I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
