Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
