Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
