new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
