I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
