You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
