he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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