i used baking grease as lip gloss
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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