but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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