it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
