I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
