Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
