sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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