I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think i have two assholes
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I supernannyed him into submission
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
