she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
