Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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