How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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