Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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