Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.