i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children