what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
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The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.