She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
