it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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