She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
