Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
