The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
