I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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