new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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