this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
