Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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