i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
