so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
