god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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