If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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