chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
