my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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